Do you struggle from time-to-time to keep yourself motivated? Find yourself complaining more often than celebrating the good that has happened in your days? Maybe you feel like you “can’t catch a break,” or you had a lofty goal, the motivation and excitement wore off, and now you’ve given up. By the way, feeling this way at least every now and then simply qualifies you as a human being.
Immersing yourself into the special needs and disabled communities can turn that around. How? In my experience, it is a gradual process. You get to know individuals within these communities, you learn little bits of their stories, and slowly, over time, your perspective on challenges begins to change. This has happened for me for years and years starting when I first got involved, and the beautiful thing is that the learning and growth never ends.
I had known my good friend Robert Hunt for over a decade when I sat down with his parents for the conversations that wound up in my book. I felt like I had a fairly solid understanding of what he’s had to deal with from a mental and social perspective. I was wrong. Here’s one example.
Rob’s three older brothers are married, two of them with kids. His expectation of dating and possibly getting married have been shaped by that and what he sees on social media, in movies, etc. Here’s the reality: he is not going to end up with someone that looks like any of his sisters-in-law, nor will it be a celebrity look alike. It will likely be a young lady with special needs, possibly with Down Syndrome. That is a hard pill to swallow.
Imagine that the dating pool was shrunk down for you by NINETY NINE percent, there was a very specific type of person you were expected to date, and you were constantly inundated with social media promotion of women or men that don’t match up to that expectation. Take a moment to really consider that–your husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend now being someone that you were so attracted to, but they were unattainable because of something you were born with.
So, as it relates to building your mental toughness in the dating arena, you could have the mindset of “man, dating is so hard, I’ve tried for years and can’t find someone.” I don’t disagree with you, finding your partner for life is so hard, but there are two thoughts I have for you to consider.
One, is anything worthwhile in life easy to obtain? Absolutely not. Two, could it be worse? Could it be more challenging than your current circumstances dictate? The answer, if you are a typically-functioning person, is yes.
That second question is so incredibly valuable to your life. Could my current situation be more challenging than it is right now? It’s a valuable question to ask yourself in terms of your overall perspective, your ability to persevere and overcome challenges, and your ability to love life exactly as it is while striving to achieve big goals at the same time. That question essentially hits the core of “is this really that difficult, or could it be worse, and am I being soft on myself?” It’s a reality check that personally gets me out of “victim mode” and moving forward.
Here is example #2. Robert was commuting to work in downtown Cincinnati via the bus for several months, and slowly began to make some friends at the bus stop downtown. One of these “friends” unfortunately saw this new relationship as nothing more than an easy target. He earned Robert’s trust, preyed on his good heart, and convinced him to walk to a nearby ATM. Using some sob story about how he couldn’t afford to buy food for his family, he manipulated Robert into withdrawing hundreds of dollars out of his account. He was trustworthy to a fault, and acted out of the kindness of his heart, not able to recognize the evil intent of someone whom he considered to be a friend.
I share these stories not to make you feel bad about, for example, the circumstances of someone with Down Syndrome. Trust me, my friends with Down Syndrome don’t spend very much time feeling sorry for themselves, so you don’t need to either. There are 3 core reasons for sharing this, though.
1. Shift your perspective on your perceived challenges.
2. Highlight what I believe is our duty as typically-functioning people to support and advocate for those who were born less fortunate than us in one way or another.
3. Point out that the only way to do this is not through “awareness,” but action.
- I’m guessing these concepts put your current situation specifically as it relates to dating, finding your life partner, or simply the ability to protect yourself into perspective. I’m hoping that, generally speaking with the dating example, you thought “wow, maybe I should suck it up, get out there and try dating because I’ve been feeling sorry for myself,” OR “wow, I take my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife for granted a little bit now that I think of it.” In the second example, think about your challenges at work. For me, it comes down to job security and hopefully doing well enough to advance within my current company. The challenge of getting to and from work safely and/or avoiding a situation in which I may be taken advantage of never crossed my mind until hearing of Robert’s experience. Growing your awareness of the challenges associated with the special needs and disabled communities, and shifting your perspective as it relates to your own life is step one.
- The second reason is to reiterate a core belief of mine, which is my belief that as a typically-functioning person, it is my duty to support those who were born less fortunate than me in one way or another. It is my duty to use God-given abilities for good. It is my duty to be someone that, if I were ever in the vicinity of something like that story I just shared about Robert, stands up for him and literally put myself in harms way if necessary to protect against that type of evil. While all of that sounds great, the most important part is taking action.
- How many times have you heard or read something from a “motivational speaker,” loved the message, and proceeded to do nothing about? Everyone has been guilty of this! This leads me to reason #3 for sharing the perspective of someone with Down Syndrome struggling in the arena of love or protecting themselves. How can we help them? We can’t change the situations I described, but we can support them emotionally. Becoming a full-time advocate for individuals with special needs and disabilities is not a path for everyone. My plea to you is to try it out once and see if it is for you. I want to spread awareness around the power of connecting with these communities, but it doesn’t mean much to me if everyone only becomes “more aware.” The only way to actually implement what I am talking about and make a difference is to get out there, volunteer, experience it for yourself, and truly see if you experience the same amazing level of fulfillment that I have.
Here are some suggestions for how you can get involved:
Volunteering with Best Buddies, Special Olympics, Damar, Janus, the Village of Merici, the Down Syndrome Association, or a number of other wonderful organizations that you can find in your area. These groups are always looking for additional help! I volunteered to be a scorekeeper for Special Olympics Indiana, and was an assistant coach two weeks later!
My suggestion is to get involved by volunteering at one event. I’m confident that you’ll see the joy that can come from it. People in these communities will welcome you with open arms and likely show you more love upon meeting you for the first time than any other group in your life. You leave feeling amazing. If you stay involved beyond that, genuine relationships start to build, you learn about specific challenges that Robert with Down syndrome, or Sophie with Autism, or Stephen with severe cognitive impairments have to go through. You learn about the dozens of challenges that they have to face. The thought of each individual challenge is likely more painful on its own than anything you’ve had to go through, and there are dozens. The thought of dozens of challenges more painful and difficult than anything you’ve had to go through is unfathomable over the course of a lifetime or a year. You learn that most, if not all, of these challenges happen EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
So how does immersing yourself in these communities make you better? I think it’s pretty clear. You’re too tired? You’re not feeling motivated today? The deal you were working on didn’t go through? Suck it up man. Getting dressed this morning was tougher for many people with special needs than anything you’ve done in the past month (this is my internal dialogue by the way, not calling anybody out here :))
I draw from my experience with these individuals on a daily basis. From a “motivation, work ethic, overcome challenges standpoint,” sure. But also from a “gratitude, love your life, perspective on what I was gifted from God” standpoint. My experience and consistent time with these communities reminds me that if my arms, legs, hands and feet are working properly, my brain is functioning at high speed, and I can see and hear clearly, then I am doing a complete disservice to the world by not doing everything in my power to fulfill my potential. To go one step further, I am doing a complete disservice to these communities if I don’t use at least some of my time and energy to help them.
Mental toughness is a skill that allows you to do things you need to do when you don’t feel like doing them, over and over again. In my opinion, it is the most important skill that any one of us can possess and continue to strengthen in our lives. My friendships with people with special needs and disabilities keep me present to that. It can do the same for you.
